My story is about how I was looking for love and how I found much more than what I was seeking.
I was born and raised in Ukraine in a good “moral” family. The first 15 years of my life I lived under communism. My parents were not Christians. In fact, my father was an atheist and a communist party member. It was strictly forbidden for communists to have a Bible in their home or to baptize their babies, even in the official orthodox church. As a child I heard nothing about God and never held a Bible in my hands. But even then in the depth of my heart, like in the hearts of many in my country, there lived a vague faith in Someone Ultimate and Superior. I simply knew nothing about this mysterious "Someone".
When I was about 12 I developed my own new faith that controlled my life and dictated many things I did. This was faith in “true love” – genuine, strong, faithful, everlasting, selfless. I thought this was the only reality worth living for. I looked for it in books and in people. My dream was to meet someone who would be able to love me like that and to love him in return. So I have set out on a search for such a love. I looked for it in people but was disappointed over and over. I got frustrated even more when I looked into my own heart and realized that I was not able to love like that as I was very selfish. I saw it vividly in my relationship with my grandmother. I shared a room with her and I hated her. Her whole person irritated me, I yelled at her a lot, snapped back at her and sometimes we even had fist fights. This was a real war and no one wanted to capitulate. I knew when I was in the wrong but my pride kept me from admitting it and asking for forgiveness. I considered that she should change first. Day after day I lived in this domestic hell with an empty and miserable heart.
When I was 14 I was put in a hospital with the prospect of a serious surgery on my spine. Now I was haunted with new questions. One girl I got acquainted with at the hospital went through a similar surgery and died three days later. I started asking myself," What's going to happen to me after I die? Do I have an immortal soul? Is there life after death?" But life scared me even more than death. What does the future hold for me? What "surprises" does life have in store for me? What if it's an incurable disease, severe trials or loneliness, and what if I won't be able to endure these trials and they will completely annihilate me? I was scared of the unknown, I was afraid of pain and I didn't want it. Life seemed shaky and unpredictable.
After the surgery for the first time I started seeking a contact of some kind with the Unknown Being in whom I believed intuitively. I was out of school for a year and started reading the New Testament that my mom somehow got for me. The book attracted me like a magnet because it sounded very simple, truthful and unusual. No one ever tried to persuade me that it was the true Word of God but just by reading it I came to that very conclusion. The person of Jesus Christ was the one that caught my attention. I didn't know who He was yet but one thing I was sure about – He was someone greater than merely a man. In the New Testament I read the words of Jesus Christ that greatly intrigued me:
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
All of a sudden I realized that God is a living and real Person. More than that, He is the Father and I can TALK to Him and not simply throw words into the void but get real answers. I decided to try it. So I said to God something like that,
"God, if You really exist I want to know You, I want to live with You. Please reveal Yourself to me."
Three months later I learned from my sister who was a university freshman in Moscow that she had become a Christian. It was 1990, the beginning of the religious freedom in the Soviet Union, and American missionaries were flooding behind the former “iron curtain” to preach the Gospel. There were big Jesus film campaigns in Moscow that year, and my sister was hired by some Campus Crusade missionaries as a translator together with many other non-Christian students who majored in foreign languages. As a translator she had to attend all the Jesus film showings and translate the Gospel presentations that missionaries made from the stage. That’s how her heart was touched by the Lord.
I was very curious to know what she meant by "becoming a Christian". My sister gave me the "Four Spiritual Laws" booklet which turned out to be the answer to my earlier prayer and helped me to know God better. I realized that I was sinful and lost in God’s eyes, but in spite of this God offered me His love: selfless, everlasting, unwavering and strong, through Jesus Christ and His death on the cross for my sins. The only thing He wanted me to do was to say yes to His love by asking Jesus Christ into my heart as my Savior and Lord. I felt like I finally found the true love I had been looking for. In prayer I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart, to forgive my sins and to take my life into His hands. This took place June 1, 1991. Our mother also heard the Gospel from my sister at that time and became a Christian.
Since that day the truth about the everlasting and perfect fatherly love of God has cast away my fear of tomorrow, of sickness and loneliness. My life has been filled with peace, stability and power to overcome every difficulty. But the greatest miracle is that I have gained power from God to love people and to accept them just as they are. The miracle took place in my relationship with my grandmother. The war came to an end and for the first time in my life I was able to ask for her forgiveness and was able to forgive her. Moreover, after 9 years of praying and sharing God’s love with her, my grandmother who had been a stubborn atheist with communist mentality her whole life finally surrendered her heart to the Lord and is with the Lord now. The reality of God’s love also led me to full-time missionary work, and I had a great privilege of sharing the love of Christ with young people in Ukraine for 10 years. Now, 20 years later, my adventure of experiencing God’s love continues and I am looking forward to my future with Him.
